Monday, August 31, 2009

Hardcore Heat Rough Draft Results

Hardcore Heat 2009 Results

These are just notes for a more formal write-up later in the week. Or I may just use this because I am lazy.

Set-up for the show was a little trickier than we expected, partly because of the flooding during the Vans/Warped show that affected our tear-down and partly because the venue only let us in after 2PM and only let us set-up the ring at 5PM.

That said, the Just for Laughs Studio is a sweet venue. Someone (may have been Dre-Nuke) called it a mini-Medley and that description fits.

Six-Man Scramble match:
Jagged vs. Mike "Speedball" Bailey vs. Pauly Platinum vs. Alex Silva vs. Urban Miles vs. Izzy Deadyet

Jagged pins Urban Miles in 11:25.

Urban Miles lost the match because he froze like a deer in headlights. The kid id talented and really charismatic, but you would never know it from this match.

Filling the charisma vacuum left by Urban Miles was Pauly Platinum who started the match trading gear with Jagged. Pauly practically had a stroke when Jagged elbow-dropped his vest and was then disgusted when Jagged completely no-sold Pauly stomping his bandanna.

I have real issues with Alex Silva's behaviour backstage, but in the ring, he is becoming a real threat.

Izzy Deadyet is always solid and entertaining. This match was no exception.

There was a great little pyramid spot about halfway where Mike Bailey used two guys in the corner as a platform to go nuts. No less than Ron Hutchison, the Toronto promoter singled out Bailey as a wrestler to watch.

The other guy on Ron Hutchison's list? Jagged, who proved that he doesn't need a partner to excel.

WonderFred beat Sunny D in eight seconds.

Kevin called him Chinese, but Sunny D is actually Korean.

Kevin Steen beat WonderFred in 8:48

Kevin Steen interrupted Fred's gloating and came out to essentially kick Fred's ass. Fred put up a good fight, but his ass was definitely kicked. At the end of the match, Kevin taunted Fred with a chant of "Dance Fred Dance" and then pulled off a few dance moves of his own. Just when it looked like Kevin was going to help Fred up to shake his hand, Kevin kicked Fred in the gut and left.

Nic Paterson (in a wheelchair and neck-brace) introduced "Canada's Gretest Athlete" Shane Matthews and Shane's "Main Squeeze" Olivia. (She is already being described as one of the prettiest IWS valets ever and I would have to agree.)

Shane explained to us the "Things you people don't know about Shane Matthews!" including that he was a two-time All American at Rutgers and that he graduated with honours with a diploma in International Affairs.

Shane then recognized Calgary Stampede wrestling legend Kodiak Jack in the crowd and invited him into the crowd. Shane told us that he uses to watch Kodiak Jack on TV every Saturday and thanked Kodiak for inspiring him to become a wrestler. Shane then pitched a fit that Kodiak Jack was stealing Shane's spotlight, kicked Kodiak's cane out from under him and put the boots to the old-timer.

Shane Matthews - Massive ass-hole. Who knew?

The Untouchables (Dan Paysan & Jimmy Stone) beat The Rock N' Roid Express The Clean and Mean Machine (Twiggy and Franky the Mobster) in 15:19

Before the match started, Franky demanded that instead of being called the Rock N' Roid Express to the Clean and Mean Machine. (Twiggy, "You're Clean!?!" Me, "No, he's mean. You're clean.")

Really good match that really picked up when Franky started using Twiggy as a missile and pitching him around the ring to knock down the Untouchables.

Also, on really great moment where Franky gave James two chops that James sort-of no-sold and Twiggy came in and just nailed Stone with a knife-edged chop so perfect that James Stone's eyes crossed - caught somewhere between surprise and pain.

Shayne Hawke defended his Canadian Title beating Sexxxy Eddy after 10:24.

After the show, Eddy was being actively mocked by Beef Wellington for losing this match to a guy that Beef and Eddy helped train.

What Beef doesn't realize is that the student is now at least as good as his teachers. If Beef isn't careful, he is going to talk himself into a match against Shayne Hawke. a match that frankly I am not sure that Beef can win.

Beef Wellington defended his title, beating El Generico in 14:05.

El Generico dominated this match, but Beef was able to wriggle out of every danger. At the climactic moment, El Generico motioned for the Brainbuster, only for Beef to escape again and then mace El Generico in the eyes with Ax body spray, blinding the Generic Luchadore long enough for Beef to hit the E. Coli for the win.

(One unintended casualty of this was El Generico's romantic life. Kevin Steen had set up his running buddy with a "Sure Thing" date, but she was completely unimpressed by El Generico's uncontrollable weeping during their date from his reddened, amced eyes.)

I talked to Beef backstage about his latest shortcut to victory and he reacted with indignation, "How come when the Green Phantom spits Green Mist at people, that's cool but when I spray people with a colorless mist, I am being evil? If it had come out of my mouth would that have been ok? If I had used the Chocolate spray to have some colour would that have met with your approval? You're a hypocrite Llakor! What you object to isn't that I misted El Generico, it's that I did it with a hand-held Caucasian mist. You know what that makes you? A racist, Llakor. You are a racist!"

The Green Phantom lost the Burning Tables match in 9:36 and was fired.

Nic Paterson watched the match from ringside in his wheelchair. My suspicion of Nic malingering was confirmed when the Green Phantom looked poised to win and Nic snuck into the ring to hit the Green Phantom from behind with a chair. He wasn't quite quick enough to make it back to his chair before the Green Phantom spotted him though.

Technically, Manny went through a flaming table first, but the ref was unconscious when it happened. The Green Phantom was celebrating his "victory" when Beef and Eddie hit the ring, attacked the Green Phantom and put him through a second Flaming Table.

Nic, Beef and Eddy continued to attack the Green Phantom after the bell until he was rescued by his fellow "Brother of the Mask" El Generico.

I guess it is pretty clear now that Nic Paterson orchestrated the power outage at the Skratch that led to Beef Wellington beating Kevin Steen for the title in the first place.

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