My travels through the sleazy world of independent wrestling as seen through the hazy murk of nostalgia and filtered through an addiction to pop culture. Written by a whiny, inconsistent, absent-minded procrastinating Grammar-Nazi.
Inter Species Wrestling presents BONER JAM Montreal, March 27th, Foufounes Electriques
The biggest question that I usually get from wrestlers is usually something along the lines of,
"Yeah, yeah your Addy Starr piece was great. Made her look like a total bad-ass even though I happen to know that every time she sees a spider in her apartment she has to call someone to come and kill it."
I just got off the phone with a very angry Badd brother. So angry that I am uncertain whether it was Chad or Brad. It may have been both of them taking turns yelling at me.
I have strict instructions to relay the following information...
"You writing this down you little punk? I will rip your head off and shit down your neck you get this sumbitch wrong! Little cock-sucker prancing around in your monkey suit being Mr. pansy-ass big shot. Mr. La-di-da Commissioner. FUCK YOU PUNK! You don't drive a Harley! You Ain't SHIT! Don't even drive a fucking rice-burner! How can you call yourself a man?
People been telling me you been writing about this match and that match, but when my Momma has someone read to her all those fucking words you write are any of them about the BADD Family reuinion?
Are any of them about the BADD-le Royal? HELL and Fucking NO! COCKSUCKER!
Well you type all this down, you tell them sumbitch snot-eating peckerheads that the BADDs are coming to BONER JAM for the BADD Family Reunion.
You get that out there so my Momma can hear it.
You hear this Momma?
They are talking about the BADD Family on this fucking intra-cob-webby circle-jerk thinger-jammer-whickey-whatsey.
You tell all our cousins and uncles and cousins and nephews and cousins and aunties and cousins and all to come to BONER JAM.
And you come too Momma!
I love you MOMMA!
But Momma if you come to the BADD-le Royale, I am going to throw you over the top rope onto your head!
Yes, I will!
Because that was how we were raised!
You get all that cock-sucker? Get'r Done!"
Got "R" Done!
And if you are a member of the BADD Family or just want to rub elbows with the wrestling world's most notorious bad-ass biker rednecks stomp you into a mudhole just for looking at them funny family, you can only do it at Foufounes Electriques, this SUNDAY! SUNDAY!! SUNDAY!!! at BONER JAM!
The current
holder of the belt is PETA poster boy, Moohammad the Terrorist Cow. The
Bovine Bomber was either unable or unwilling to cross the border to put
his belt on the line at Exact Change Only, so he sent his "pet" the
wrestler formerly known as Flip D. Berger to fight Addy Starr for him.
Flip lost the match leading to Moohammad changing the name of his human
pet from Flip to Shitty and challenging Addy Starr to a match (not to mention cyber-stalking her).
It's A... Yeah How Did You Know?
Cue Admiral Ackbar...
Did I say that Flip lost his match against
Addy Starr? More like Addy WON that match, the same way that she has
been winning all of her ISW matches over the past two years. Moohammad
is convinced that he is the dominant species, but based purely on her
performance in the ring, Addy may prove to be a shock (cattle-prod?) to
Moohammad's smug world-view.
Perhaps more importantly, if the rumours that I have heard are to be
believed, Addy Star has been a member of the 4-H club since she was a
little girl. In fact, if my sources are correct, she has been punching cows
and hog-tying steers since she was 8 years old.
If Moohammad doesn't come to his senses and begin treating Addy
Starr as a very dangerous opponent, he may find himself leaving BONER
JAM battered, beaten and beltless... and possibly branded...
And that is if he is lucky. If he is unlucky, the only trace of Moohammad that we may ever see after BONER JAM is Addy's new black and white saddle!
Will it happen? Will Addy win the OTHER Title? Will she turn Moohammad into a variety of leather goods sold on Etsy?
Well, I would like to think so, but let me consult my in-office expert...
Magic 8-Ball says: To find out, you will have to be at Foufounes Electriques this SUNDAY! SUNDAY!! SUNDAY!!!
Inter Species Wrestling presents BONER JAM Montreal, March 27th, Foufounes Electriques
A whole whack of media about the ISW Title match which keeps threatening to tear the internet in half.
I have written about the match between ISW Champion (and possibly Worst Person On Earth) Giant Tiger and NWA World Heavyweight Champion Colt Cabana a couple of timesbefore, but there have been a flurry of promotion for the match which (Panda!) bears repeating.
First Colt Cabana has been name-dropping BONER JAM during his weekly podcast called the Art of Wrestling. His podcast deserves a listen. Colt gets great guests and he is a really great interviewer, using his backstage access to full advantage. His most recent show is an AMAZING conversation with Davey Richards. He does a new show every week and they are all available on his web-site www.WeLoveColt.com.
During what I can only describe as a truly horrible and truly great podcast called The Programme, Colt Cabana was ambushed by Giant Tiger. Colt quickly turned the tables on the Gingerbread Man, using his interviewing skills for his own protection (and possibly edification). Used to being yelled at, GT was almost flabbergasted by Colt's genuine curiosity.
Yes, we did in fact just promote an ISW show with an extended bout of gay phone sex. If you were in Michigan listening to the podcast live, you might have seen a disturbing mushroom cloud out your window. As it turns out, that cloud was just Rotchy's headexploder-vating.
HERE! is the full pod-cast including a little bit of me.
One of the nice things about being involved in the Quebec wrestling scene is that I get to be involved in the promos. Sometimes, I am actually in them, but mostly I help the boys cut better promos. I am not actually writing scripts for them, usually I am just suggesting a word, or a phrase or an attitude and they take that and run with it.
And then sometimes promos happen almost by accident and those are frequently the best ones.
I was in the process of fumigating the ISW office chair (that a half-naked Giant Tiger had sat in) when Twiggy came by to see me. I don't want to say that Twiggy was depressed, because that is definitely not the right word and angry doesn't really do it justice either. Twiggy is probably the most optimistic, positive up-beat wrestler person that I have ever met. Some wrestlers are "glasses half-empty" type people, Twiggy is a "forget that glass, let me tell you how deeply I believe that I am going to pin a guy who is six inches taller than me and one hundred pounds heavier than me" type wrestler.
What had Twiggy fuming a bit was a conversation that he had overheard from three ISW fans while our Air Guitar Hero was filling the black hole that he calls a stomach at Bofinger's in Montreal. One of the fans argued that Kevin Steen would win the match on the grounds that Kevin Steen always comes up big in big matches like this; a second fan believed that Player Uno would win so that he could get revenge on Giant Tiger; and the last ISW fan was trying to convince anyone who would listen (including the perplexed Bofinger staff) that Sexxxy Eddy would win this match to continue the domination of ISW by the League of Extraordinary Gentleman. None of these fans gave Twiggy the slightest chance to become the ISW Number One Contender.
I understood immediately why Twiggy was upset.
I am not going to argue that Twiggy isn't a serious underdog in this match, but consider the following:
-Twiggy has previously pinned Player Uno.
-Twiggy has previously pinned Kevin Steen (believe it or not)
-Twiggy took out Sexxxy Eddy during the cage match in Connecticut (during Exact Change Only) allowing Player Uno to win the match by pinning Giant Tiger without interference.
-This is the exact kind of match most likely to be won by a roll-up and Twiggy has won more matches by roll-up than the other three wrestlers in this match... combined.
Following up on that last point, it is easy to forget that Twiggy is one of the best trained wrestlers in Quebec. Before Beef Wellington and El Generico would let Twiggy even think of entering the squared circle for the first time in a real match, they put him through twice the training that they gave to any other wrestling student in their school at the time. Every step along the way in his training and in his career, Twiggy has had to prove that he deserves to be a professional wrestler.
Heck, Beef and El Generico used to haze Twiggy with a somewhat cruel game where they got him into pinning predicaments and if Twiggy couldn't kick out for real, they cancelled his training for the day and sent him home early. I remember the first time that Twiggy was forced to leave training early. He stormed past my office swearing that it would never happen again and (to the best of my recollection) it never did happen again.
Do I think Twiggy is a lock to win this match? Of course not, but he definitely has a shot and if Twiggy had to wrestle in any kind of match to earn a shot at the ISW title, this is probably the match that gives him the best chance to surprise an opponent for three seconds and get a flash pin.
I was saying all of this to Twiggy in the ISW office, when I added the other reason that I thought Twiggy had a great shot at winning the match, "You know Twiggy, when you think about it, Kevin doesn't need this opportunity, Sexxxy Eddy doesn't want this opportunity, and Player Uno has already had this opportunity."
(I like triptychs, sue me.)
Twiggy's face lit up and the next thing I knew he was yelling for a camera and he was taping a promo right then and there:
I think that I can say with some confidence that no one in this match wants the victory more than Twiggy, but sometimes desire is not enough. Can desire beat the veteran cruelty of Sexxxy Eddy? Can desire save Twiggy from the bullying tactics of "Mr. Wrestling" Kevin Steen? Can Twiggy's desire overcome Player Uno's thirst for vengeance on Giant Tiger?
My heart says yes, but my head like those ISW fans at Bofinger's says, "Probably Not."
Only one way to find out for sure though...
Get your tickets for BONER JAM now! Contact me at Llakor@hotmail.com to buy them in Montreal.
Inter Species Wrestling presents BONER JAM Montreal, March 27th, Foufounes Electriques
Having alreadylooked at the Title match between Inter Species Wrestling Champion Giant Tiger and the recently crowned NWA World Heavyweight Champion Colt Cabana, let's turn our attention to the men jockeying for position to challenge the winner of that match.
There are four men set to wrestle one another in a Contender's Clash match at BONER JAM (Kevin Steen, Player Uno, Sexxxy Eddy and Twiggy.) and the winner of the match will become the ISW Number One Contender.
The match started (as so many ISW matches do) after a chance encounter in the men's washroom of an Ottawa Legion hall.
The odds-on favourite to win this match is Mr. Wrestling Kevin Steen. The irony is that Steen has previously won a match to become the ISW Number One Contender... only for Kevin to never actually cash in his victory and challenge for the ISW title. In a way, it has always seemed like Kevin Steen has for years been about to win the ISW Title and just never got around to it, like it was the last thing on his to-do list that he never quite got around to checking off.
I understand all about procrastination and the regret that sometimes comes from putting off until tomorrow --- next week --- whenever that thing that never seemed quite important enough to get to until you realize the opportunity that you just let slip by. Imagine how Kevin Steen feels now. If he had cashed in his opportunity and claimed the ISW Title earlier, it would be Kevin Steen getting ready to face the NWA World Heavyweight Champion instead of Giant Tiger. There is no guarantee that Steen would have been able to turn the match into title vs. title (or a guarantee that he would have won the match) but a victory over Colt Cabana in Kevin's hometown in a match where the NWA title was not on the line, would immediately propel Steen into consideration for a title match against Cabana for the NWA title down the line.
I can tell you that Steen is furious over this lost career opportunity and when Steen gets mad his only solution is to hurt other people in the ring.
One of Steen's favourite targets to destroy in the ring is Player Uno, but Uno has become increasingly difficult for Steen to kill. Player Uno has strong motivations to win this match: he has unfinished business with Giant Tiger who ambushed Player Uno at the end of our 4 Year Anniversary show and essentially stole Uno's belt (with Sexxxy Eddy's help.)
Since losing his belt to Giant Tiger, Uno has actually pinned Giant Tiger but not in a match where the belt could go back to where Uno believes that it rightfully belongs - around his waist.
So Player Uno has to win this match to get his revenge match with Giant Tiger. To do so all he has to do is to beat on a rival that he dislikes (Kevin Steen) and the other man who cost Uno his belt (Sexxxy Eddy).
It would be easy to underestimate Sexxxy Eddy in this match. Eddy has always treated ISW like a huge drunken lark. And for ISW fans, Eddy winning this match would seem like a worst-case scenario. After all, he seems to be only in this match to protect the interests of Giant Tiger and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
On the other hand, Eddy has always valued titles over friendships and allegiances. He has never really shown that gold-hungry mercenary streak in ISW, but then again he has never, ever been in a position to win gold in ISW before.
Eddy winning this match might actually be the worst thing that could possibly happen... not for the fans, but for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I am sure that in theory it makes sense that if Sexxxy Eddy won this match that he would immediately allow Giant Tiger to pin him, but I don't think that Sexxxy Eddy is hard-wired that way. I don't think that Sexxxy Eddy is physically capable of passing up a chance to win a title any more than he is capable of overlooking a pretty girl.
Could Sexxxy Eddy winning this match be the first domino to fall in a chain that eventually topples the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
There is of course, one final wrestler that I am overlooking, that the fans are ignoring and that the wrestlers in this match are not taken as seriously as they should... which might just be his secret weapon, but more about Twiggy tomorrow...
Get your tickets for BONER JAM now! Contact me at Llakor@hotmail.com to buy them in Montreal.
Inter Species Wrestling presents BONER JAM Montreal, March 27th, Foufounes Electriques
I was incredibly excited to post this video, but as sometimes happens in the wacky world of wrestling, events in the larger wrestling universe have overtaken my petty little schemes. What seemed like a stroke of genius only Friday now seems like an act of idiocy that could shake the very fabric of the wrestling universe.
Before we get to the video, I should explain a little bit of the context. Unlike much of the Inter Species Wrestling upper management, until the Inter Species Wrestling4th Anniversary show, I never really had a problem with Giant Tiger. In fact, the reason that I was randomly named ISW Beloved Commissioner for Life (by Rotchy and Twiggy on commentary) in the first place? Beef Wellington was trying to weasel out of wrestling Giant Tiger and I forced Beef to do the match. The Gingerbread Man was very appreciative of my efforts on that day and has generally shown me respect backstage ever since.
We actually almost bonded when Giant Tiger confessed to me that he was a "crack addict" until he explained that he wasn't talking about drugs and his (drunken) explicit description of rimming left me nauseous and repulsed.
To cut a long story short (too late) the point is that even after Giant Tiger and Sexxy Eddy attacked me in the ring at the conclusion of our 4th Anniversary show - leaving me with a concussion and a partially detached retina (that I will only be able to have corrective surgery for the week after BONER JAM)... Even after that, the Gingerbread Man and I have at least been able to have civil discussions and negotiations, unlike say GT and Rotch who invariably end up looking like a pair of angry 12 year-olds trying to fight while wearing Sumo fat suits. Giant Tiger even sent me an apology gift after putting me in the hospital - granted it was a box of his shit, but it's the thought that counts... Right?
When Rotchy was unable to get Giant Tiger to sign a contract to wrestle Colt Cabana at BONER JAM, I was the guy that he turned to do his dirty work. This video is the result of my meeting with Giant Tiger to discuss the contract.
Yes, I did trick Giant Tiger into signing a contract to wrestle Colt Cabana. In my defence, if Giant Tiger is still taking wrestling promoters at their word after this long, well he desperately needs to be taught not to trust us back-stage weasels. (Normally, I would love to say exactly how long GT has been in the wrestling game but Giant Tiger is the most frustratingly difficult wrestler to research that I know of.)
And I will admit, I was feeling pretty good about getting GT to sign the dotted line and he was equally pissed off at me... until Colt Cabana pinned NWA World Heavyweight Champion Adam "Scrap-Iron" Pearce on Sunday at the NWA Hollywood Pro Show to become NWA World Heavyweight Champion for the first time, making him the latest champion in a proud tradition that includes Lou Thesz, Dusty Rhodes, Harley Race, Terry Funk, Ric Flair, Sting and Ricky Steamboat, not to mention Canadian legends like Whipper Billy Watson, Yvon Robert Sr. and the recently deceased (adopted-by-Quebec as one of their own) Edouard Carpentier.
A proud tradition that might, just might, now be sullied by adding the names "Giant Tiger" to that list. There is an infinitesimally small, but real possibility that after March 27th, 2011, the Gingerbread Man could be the Inter-Galactic Beef Father-Fucker Wrestling Champion AND the Inter Species World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion AND (God Forbid) the NWA World Heavyweight Champion.
Despite the hourly phone calls, text messages and tweets that I have been receiving from members of the League demanding a title vs. title match between Colt Cabana and Giant Tiger at BONER JAM, at this time I can neither confirm nor deny that the match will be title vs. title. Heck, I can't even confirm that the match will be sanctioned by the NWA or even if Colt Cabana will still be NWA Champion on March 27th.
But there is a chance, maybe only a lottery ticket chance, but still a chance that at BONER JAM, Giant Tiger could become the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion and that possibility fills me with dread and massive, massive, massive GUILT.
On the plus side, Giant Tiger just left a tweet saying that he wants own the belt that used to belong to Dr. Dre and Ice Cube, so Colt's actual belt may not be in that much jeopardy after all.
No matter what happens though, BONER JAM has just gone from a MUST-SEE show to a OH MY GOD! CAN'T MISS THIS SHOW. Get your tickets Now! Contact me at Llakor@hotmail.com to buy them in Montreal.
Get Your Tickets NOW!
Corrections Department
In my last post about this show, I wrote the following:
before our 4th Anniversary
show, Rotchy failed to get Giant Tiger to sign a contract for a match.
This led to GT coming to the ring and challenging Rotchy to a match.
When Rotch refused to wrestle Giant Tiger, GT declared victory and then
used that victory as the basis for challenging Player Uno at the end of the show allowing Tiger with Sexxxy Eddy's help to steal the ISW title from Uno.
I have been reminded by a certain Mikhail Rotch, Esquire, owner of ISW, of the following:
GT was granted an open contract - and he challenged me (Rotch). I didn't
come out - so it was STILL an open contract. Thus, granting him (Giant Tiger) the
chance to challenge for the title.
Rotchy is of course correct. The exact sequence of events of that show is somewhat cloudy in my mind, given that I received a concussion at the end of the show from a beating administered by Giant Tiger and Sexxxy Eddy, but I do regret this tiny, niggling error.
I will try and do a better job in the future of remembering the exact sequence of events that happen at shows where I get the shit kicked out of me.
Inter Species Wrestling presents BONER JAM Montreal, March 27th, Foufounes Electriques
Might as well start with the headline match. The Inter Species Wrestling champion, leader and founder of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and (as he has recently reminded me) the Beef Father-Fucker Champion of the World, the one, the only (and thank God for that) Giant Tiger finally putting his title on the line against WWF veteran, Wrestling Society X star (under the name Matt Classic) and the second funniest man in wrestling, Colt Cabana.
At least in theory we are supposed to be getting Colt Cabana vs. Giant Tiger.
The fly in the ointment with that particular plan is that the ISW promoter, one Mikhail Q. Rotch Esquire, made the classic blunder of announcing the match before getting Giant Tiger to sign a contract agreeing to show up on March 27th, bring his belt and defend his title against Cabana or anyone else.
GT naturally is less than enthused about defending his title especially against world-class competition like Colt Cabana, so he started badgering Rotchy with a series of ridiculous demands. The last time something like this happened before the first ISW Connecticut show, GT made a series of ridiculous demands, Rotch caved on all of them and GT still didn't show up to the match.
Or as an even better example, before our 4th Anniversary show, Rotchy failed to get Giant Tiger to sign a contract for a match. This led to GT coming to the ring and challenging Rotchy to a match. When Rotch refused to wrestle Giant Tiger, GT declared victory and then used that victory as the basis for challenging Player Uno at the end of the show allowing Tiger with Sexxxy Eddy's help to steal the ISW title from Uno. This also led to me getting the shit kicked out of me by Giant Tiger and Eddy.
While my powers as Your Beloved Commissioner are largely honorary and theoretical, I decided to involve myself in this situation, before it spiralled out of control, which is why (I guess) when I came back from lunch the other day, I walked in on Giant Tiger sitting at MY desk, cyber-stalking celebrities online on MY computer while simultaneously making long-distance calls to California on MY phone.
Despite the sleazy start to the negotiations, I am happy to report that I was able to convince Giant Tiger to sign a contract to show up at BONER JAM and defend his ISW title. I am not 100% happy with what I had to promise Giant Tiger to get him to sign the contract, but the contract is signed and I am told that video of the signing will be going up shortly.
While we are waiting for that, here is the black and white version of the BONER JAM poster.
BONER JAM: Black and White and Read All Over!
Credit Rotchy for making sure that BONER JAM had a great star to wrestle in the main event, but when Giant Tiger actually shows up to wrestle him, you can credit Your Beloved Commissioner (i.e. ME!) for forcing Giant Tiger to show up and bring the ISW title belt with him.
Remember that BONER JAM is at Foufounes Electriques on Sunday, March 27th. You can get tickets from me at my office. E-Mail Llakor@hotmail.com for information about tickets and some special offers.
After a long absence from ISW, I will be returning as its beloved Commissioner and the Worst Ring Announcer in the History of the Multi-Verse.
You can certainly find the video above and more in many places on these here interwebs. Rather than posting all of them in one fell swoop, I will be be posting them one at a time with some added commentary, behind the scenes look at the promotion and emptying of the bag of some secrets since at the end of the day, I am not really promoting anymore and I don't really give a shit about kayfabe.
Let's start by showing you the first draft of the BONER JAM poster.
BONER JAM First Draft
Also just a few words about Foufounes Electriques, the spiritual home (if not the birthplace) of Inter Species Wrestling. Foufs is an intimate venue (this means that it is small) but that is really the only bad thing that you can say about the venue. The positives far outweigh that (literally) tiny negative.
The best things about Foufs (and this is by far not an exhaustive list:
The owners LOVE Inter Species Wrestling.
The beer is cheap and plentiful.
We have never had a bad show at Foufs and this includes the time when the truck bringing the ring broke down twice on the highway only arriving five minutes before the bell was scheduled to ring and to distract the crowd downstairs in the bar, we had to send out El Hijo del Bamboo to entertain the crowd and when that didn't work, we sent out the Badd Boys to beat the shit out of a Panda Bear, which was rather like sending two sharks to beat up on a gold fish and we are all going straight to hell... but even that show was great.
The crowds are always hot and into the show. Heck they are so close to the ring they have very little choice but to be IN the show. .
There is a real backstage or rather an above stage.
All the wrestlers watch the full show and frequently heckle the proceeedings. Kevin Steen once bounced a water bottle off my head while I was announcing.
There are posters for George Romero movies on the walls which sometimes makes it look like Izzy Deadyet and Zombiefied are coming out of the walls.
Once when I was announcing the ISW 4th Anniversary results, banged my head HARD on the metal curved staircase that leads up to the back above-stage area.
Stinky the Homeless Guy once found the original ISW belt in the garbage at Foufs (Kevin Steen threw it out, the big jerk) and I accidentally made Stinky the first ISW Other Champion.
In addition to being the ISW Champion, Giant Tiger is also the proud owner of the Beef Wellington Father-Fucker Wrestling Champion of the World Belt.
And many other reasons, basically Foufs is awesome. So on March 27th, please come and bring a friend. You can get tickets from me at my office. E-Mail Llakor@hotmail.com for information about tickets and some special offers.
I will be putting up some more of these over the next little while as I post up the other videos. Feel free to send your beloved Commissioner questions to answer.
