I went to C*4's Season 2 Finale on Saturday. Wasn't planning to go, but Pat Laprade called and offered to drive me there and to drop me at my parent's in Morin-Heights on the way back. Ended up driving up with Pat, his cousin Maxime, wrestler James Stone, and referee Bakais in the Road Trip to Hell. James wasn't booked, but came up with his gear anyway. First, because he's a professional wrestler and that's what you do and second, because the C*4 promoter Mark is cursed and I mean cursed by disastrous fluky no-shows.
As it turned out, James' services as a wrestler were not required, but he did fill in on commentary. I did some drive-by heckling on commentary which at first amused play-by-play man Rotchy and by the end had him completely pissed off at me.
Let's try something something slightly different with the results. I will quote the results that C*4 Mark posted with slight corrections from me, because I'm a
C*4 presentsTony is the guy that I "hired" to replace me as the ring announcer of Inter-Species Wrestling at the start of Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am! Not sure how long he is going to last as the ISW Ring Announcer to be honest. He strikes me as a radio guy with a good voice, but that doesn't automatically translate to being a good ring announcer. Not that my deer stuck in headlights act is any great shakes, but at least it is an act.
“Crossing the Line II”
Saturday June 6th, 2009
Announcer: Tony Barnes
Commentators: Mike Rotch, Jimmy Stone, Tyler Logan, Chaz Lovely and Llakor
(1) Six Man tag team match – Rush, Jae Rukn, and Virus defeated The Incredible Hunks and Sebastian Suave, when Virus got the pin following a huge phoenix splash.About 9 minutes. Meh. Now admittedly this may just be because I got back to the Legion hall about thirty seconds before the match started. (I went to Pizza Pizza for a Greek Salad and Garlic Bread before the show.) Also, I was just planning to watch the show, I wasn't planning on taking notes or doing a report, but then Pat Laprade came over to ask me if I was going to be taking notes on my Blackberry and I told him no and he gave me this look and walked away. Within about thirty seconds, the fucking Crackberry has mysteriously appeared in my hands and I was taking notes while cursing out Laprade under my breath.
It's not like there was anything wrong about this match, there just wasn't anything really right about it either. I had no idea going in who any of these guys were and by the end of the match I had no better of an idea. I am not saying I was scouting for talent or anything, but I certainly didn't walk away saying "We really have to book that Virus guy in IWS!" Not picking on Virus, I could have named any of the other five guys in the match. The problem, I think, is that all of the guys had moves, but their move-set wasn't connected to their personality or their names. A professional wrestler can do less and have it mean more, because every move is linked to who they are.
(2) C*4 Championship Finals Qualifier – Stupefied (aka Player Dos) defeated Bash Bison (subbing for “Superstar” Shayne Hawke) by DQ. Bison attempted to use the chair, and while the ref was distracted, Stupefied grabbed another chair, fell to the mat, and dropped the chair next to him. As the ref turned around and saw Bison holding the chair, he called for the DQ. Following the match, BisonAbout 9 minutes. Loved Bash Bison, who is a new character to me. Solid guy, very WWE punch/kick style, but it fits his character. Loved the ending where Bash had the chair raised to strike behind his head, the ref grabbed it to throw it out of the ring and while both men had their backs turned, Stupefied grabbed another chair from the outside, hit the mat with it and then dropped to the mat with the chair on top of him. Bison gets DQed, goes berserk and Stupefied's clever plan gets him through to the C*4 Championships Finals, but Stup does pay a price for his cleverness in cheating Bash Bison.
layedlaid out Stupefied with three power bombs.
James Stone had the best line about Stupefied, "He used to be a high-flyer, now he's a wrestler."
(3) C*4 Championship Finals Qualifier – “Mr. Wrestling” Kevin Steen narrowly overcame Xtremo, in a very close and exciting contest. Steen favoured his knee throughout the match.About 9 minutes. Um, no Mark. That punk bastard Xtremo hurt Kevin Steen's knee about half-way through the match and then in a stunning show of lèse-majesté started going all mad dog on and at Steen's surgically repaired knee, with leg-whips and chop blocks. This is what prompted my commentary heckling as I reacted to this match like Bobby Heenan during Royal Rumble 1992. I was especially incensed by the referee's complete inability to count higher than two on Steen's pins. If Xtremo had actually dared to lock in a figure four on Kevin's weakened knee, I probably would have started throwing things at the ring.
(4) C*4 Championship Finals Qualifier – Player Uno won a wild-card tripleAbout 11 minutes. So, Sabian is a heel who acts like a heel, but wrestles like a face. Icarus is no match for either Uno or Sabian, but does a terrific job of trying to steal the match from both men. Sabian ate the final pin which slightly mystified me since that would seem to be obviously Icarus' job, quite literally in this case.
threadthreat match, over Icarus and Sabian. Icarus, sporting his newly shaven bald head, and Sabian, making his C*4 return (after missing last show) both entered the contest as wild card participants in the tournament. Player Uno managed to overcome both men, and earn his spot in the C*4 final.
The more interesting thing is what happened during Sabian's entrance. Sabian has a bit where he hits on girls in the audience and he macked on a girl with big, floppy tits in the front row. She wasn't terribly impressed, but her boyfriend was pissed. After the match, he came up to Rotchy at the commentary table and demanded that he and his girlfriend not be taped. Rotchy ended up leaving the commentary table to deal with the moron. Rotchy's answer was pretty brilliant in fact, "You don't want to be on camera? Go ask for your money back and get the FUCK out!"
I will brook no argument about this. The guy had been to multiple C*4 shows in the past, he was well aware that every show is taped. If you don't want to be on-camera at a sporting event, an entertainment event or a sports-entertainment event, don't go and especially, do not sit in the front row! If you don't want to be insulted by Don Rickles, if you don't want to be hypnotized and made to cluck like a chicken by the Amazing Reveen, don't sit in the front row.
(5) C*4 Championship Finals Qualifier – Frankie the Mobster pinned “The Last Persian Warrior” Rahim Ali, to grab the final spot in the C*4 Championship Tournament finals. Frankie entered the match as a wild-card surprise opponent – and used his size and force toAbout 9 minutes. As I mentioned, with Rotchy gone I was doing commentary alongside James Stone. Both of us were doing colour commentary and neither of us were doing much play-by-play. This went about as well as you might have expected. Especially once James and I started screwing up Rahim Ali's name repeatedly. I did make it up to Rahim a little bit by getting into an argument with James Stone after I claimed that the Persians invented wrestling.
over comeovercome the usually dominatedominant Ali.
Franky the Mobster is Franky in Quebec and Frankie outside of Quebec, because outside of Quebec, people believe that Franky is a girl's name.
Rahim Ali is by far the snazziest dresser on the C*4 roster, but he really needs to stop sending me e-mails calling me his friend and offering me a cut of the 50 million dollars that he has embezzled from Iraq.
During the intermission, I had a bit of fun and completely baffled the Legion bartender, when I wandered over to the bar to find out what sort of rat's piss Ontarians call beer they were serving, only to find to my delight that they actually stocked Alexander Keith's. Then Pat Laprade joined me and started grousing, when I bought him a beer to return the favour from the beer that he had bought me at the Medley during X, and I insisted under buyer's privilege in giving him a Keith's.
(6) Misty Haven defeated Sara Del Rey in a very physicalAbout 10 minutes. I was a little miffed with Sara Del Ray, because Misty Haven seemed to be acting goofy from an improperly healed concussion and Sara kept switching from attacking Misty's head to attacking Misty's knee, but now that I read Mark's results I remember that Misty just came back from knee surgery. Finding out that Sara won their previous encounter by going after Misty's knee, makes me believe that Misty deliberately invented a concussion to distract Sara from her knee and that is AWESOME. Reminds me of when the late Yvon "the Beast" Cormier would wrestle with an injured arm and he would tape up the uninjured arm to lure his opponent into attacking the wrong arm.
ladiesladies' match. In their first encounter, Del Rey bullied and beat the fresh from knee surgery, Misty Haven, to get the win. However, Misty brought a new level of attack to Del Rey, and managed to get the 1-2-3.
After the match, we had another CONTROVERSY. Sitting in the front row was a fan with a "Slap Me Sara!" sign, which he had signed during the break and when Sara Del Ray asked him if he really wanted her to slap him, the masochist said, "Yes, please." So, it was completely predictable that when he waved the sign in Sar's face after she lost the match, her reaction was to slap him and kick him rather hard.
There has been some criticism of Sara Del Ray for this. My personal reaction is that taunting a heel with a home-made sign inviting them to slap you and having previously confirmed that you want them to do just that, is about as smart as swimming with sharks while bleeding from an open wound or patting a pit bull while wearing a pork-chop necklace.
I will however confess to a slight disappointment with Sara Del Ray, because there was an opportunity here to be much more of a heel.
The evil thing to do would have been to take the mike from Tony and announce, "This moron wants me to slap him? Is that what you want? You want me to slap you? Do you want me to slap him?"
Pause for (hopefully) "Slap Him Sara!" chants.
"All right I will slap you, but you better be ready because I am going to slap you so hard that your Momma will forget who you are! Is that an erection? You're pathetic! You're so excited that you can't even control yourself! When I slap you, you are probably going to run home and masturbate all over your Star Wras Slave Leia action figures! Well, forget it! I am not going to slap you! I am not even going to touch you, you miserable pervert!"
Then for maximum effect either tip over his chair so he falls backwards, or rip up his sign or for mega bonus points, do both simultaneously. Being a heel is all about identifying what people want, making sure that the crowd knows that you understand what they want and then doing the opposite.
(7) “MVP” Michael Von Payton pulled
ofoff a huge win, pinning Tyson Dux. The match started off with a classic back and forth battle of technical wrestling, but soon degenerated into a brawl, that spilled into the crowd, and around the venue. Von Payton and Dux both took each other to the limit, and Von Payton got the pin with a small package.
Von Payton now lays claim to a perfect season in C*4. Prior to the match, Von Payton took theAbout 16 minutes. Ugh. I think I just figured out Mark's literary styling. The better the match was, the worse his writing gets. "erupting the crowd" "as he laughing had the music cut off" That's the literary equivalent of turning a swanton into a self-inflicted pile-driver. And it's a never a good idea to string two possessives in a row.
micmike, and reminded fans that he defeated Twiggy at the previous event, “Stand Alone”, and as a result, Twiggy now must sit out from active competition for Season 3. At that moment, Twiggy’s music hit, erupting the crowd. However, it was all a ploy by MVP to dig the knife further into Twiggy’s fansfans' hearts, as he laughing had the music cut off.
I really liked Tyson Dux who played a fantastic tweener. MVP was solid as always.
My only real issue was the ending which I thought was a little anti-climactic. Personally, I would either have had Twiggy's music hit again and had Tyson Dux take credit. (Or imply that Twiggy the Super-Hacker had taken over Jason's computer remotely.) And if you wanted MVP to win, you have Tyson do the ambush roll-up, have MVP over-roll it and have him get the pin using the ropes for leverage.
About 16 minutes. By this point I was getting a little antsy, feeling that the show was going a little bit long. Now that was partly because I completely failed to understand that the tournament was going to have a four-way elimination match. I was under the impression that we had three matches left in the tournament. And I mention this not just to remind you that as always, I am an idiot, but because if I thought that then there were probably other people in the crowd who believed that and it is part of the responsibility of the ring announcer to explain what is going to happen later in the night.
(Cool(8) The Warriors (Josh Alexander & “Psycho” Mike Rollins) pulled off a huge win defeating The Flatliners (Asylum and Matt Burns) in an incredibly physical contest. Both teams suffered injuries during the course of the match, as both teams attempted to defeat and conquer their opponents. Alexander and Rollins picked up their first win in C*4 with this impressive upset.
You may want to take that as the context for my criticism for this match, but this was terrible.
Too damn long. Unnecessarily dangerous as evidenced by the fact that guys got hurt. And the worst part of it was that each part of the match worked on its own, but it was the way that they put it together that just didn't work.
The ending is the perfect microcosm to describe why this match didn't work. One of the Flatliners and one of the Warriors were struggling in the middle of the ring, while the other two were struggling on the top rope. The Warrior up top won, pushing the Flatliner to the outside, than he jumped from the top, SLAPPED the Flatliner in the ring and his partner did the ambush roll-up for the win. Absolutely nothing wrong with that ending. Perfectly fine, original, funny ending. Except that you just spent 16 minutes killing each other, including near-falls where by all rights the guy eating the pin fall attempt shouldn't have been walking afterward let alone kicking out at 2.999999. You either do that ending after ten minutes (when the match should have ended) or you use of the high-impact moves that you turned into bullshit near-falls as the ending.
Look at me, self-indulgent drivel by four spotlight hogging morons.
(9) C*4 Championship Finals – 4 Corner Survival match – “Mr. Wrestling” Kevin Steen managed to outlast Player Uno, Stupefied and Frankie the Mobster, to become the first ever C*4 Champion."Gave in their attempt"? Gave what exactly?
In what will go down, no doubt, as the best match in C*4 history to date, all four participants gave in their attempt to claim the prize of being the first ever C*4 Champion.
In the end, it came down to Steen and Player Uno, familiar foes, who went back and forth, hitting each other with everything they had. Player Uno seemed to have it won, after managing to take out Steen with a pair of vicious half-nelson suplexes – however Steen managed to keep going, and nailed vertebrae crunching package piledriver, and quickly got the pin."Nailed vertebrae crunching package piledriver"? Nailed a vertaebrae crunching package piledriver.
Steen shook Uno’s hand following the match, and told him that he respects him and admires him for the wrestler he has become.Ugh. How are you supposed to know who is saying what in that sentence?
Maybe: Steen shook Uno's hand following the match and told Uno that he respects the 8-Bit Luchadore and admires him for the wrestler he has become.
Better: Steen shook Uno's hand following the match. Mr. Wrestling told the audience that he respects Uno and admires the 8-Bit Luchadore for the wrestler that he has become.
Steen was awarded the belt, and told the fans that he would defend this belt with the same honor and dignity that he carries all his championships with. He ended the night by inviting all challengers from anywhere in the world, to face him for it. Steen thanked the fans and held the belt up high, leaving the ring.I almost replaced honor with honour because if you start spelling like a Brit once, you have to be consistent.
Also: "He ended the night by inviting all challengers from anywhere in the world, to face him for it."
Better: Mr. Wrestling ended the night by inviting any and all challengers from anywhere in the world, to come to C*4 to face him for his belt.
Again, the worse Mark's writing gets, the better the match was, so if you assumed based on that rule that this match was AWESOME, you would be right.
Stupefied eliminated Franky/Frankie after 6 minutes. Which was completely Franky's fault since Kevin Steen had Stup eliminated around the 4 minute mark, but Franky yanked Kevin off the pin because Franky wanted to eliminate Stupefied - revenge for Stup kicking Franky in the face earlier.
Kevin Steen eliminated Stupefied with the Sharpshooter after 10 minutes. Kevin beat Uno with the Package Piledriver after 16 minutes.
C*4 wants to thank all of our fans for their continued support this season. We returnC*4's first show of their Season 3 will be September 11th. Also Mark, never end three consecutive sentences with the same word, no matter how shortly you are hoping to end your results.
onin September, with a date to be announced shortly.
C*4 Crossing the Line II will be available on DVD from Fortune Video Editing (www.fortunevideoediting.com) and Smart Mark Video (www.smartmarkvideo.com) shortly..
Have a great summer – and visit www.c4wrestling.com for news concerning our return shortly!