Hey Best Pizza (Ottawa) You are AMAZING!

Hey Best Pizza (Ottawa) You are AMAZING!

I made an unexpected trip to Ottawa a couple of weeks ago, ostensibly to watch the C*4 wrestling show "Level Up 2011" but really to visit Francois (Phrank) Morin in the hospital - possibly our last chance to see him.

I drove up with Bakais, the Wolfmun (Twiggy and Beef Wellington) and Sexxxy Eddy. We left Montreal early to give ourselves time to visit Phrank in the hospital before we went to the C*4 venue, but when we got to Ottawa, we were told that Phrank couldn't see anyone, leaving us in Ottawa with time on our hands.

It was Beef who planned our expedition, announcing that we had to go to the pizzeria across from the venue that served the "REDONKULOUS" burgers. The venue is the Knight of Columbus Hall at 260 McArthur. The pizzeria is Best Pizza at 295 McArthur.

Home of the RIDONKULOUS Burgers

The first thing that you need to know is that the "REDONKULOUS" burgers are not on the menu. There are no pictures of them in the wall. You have to ask for this monstrosity.

When you ask the waiter will look at you quizzically."You want the special burgers? I will have to get my brother."

The chef comes out of the kitchen to explain his special creation (and I may be mangling the details a bit.) You choose 1, 2 or 3 burgers. I think he said that the triple burger was a pound of meat. The burger is served with the patties, cheese, onion rings and chicken strips all in the burger. As if this wasn't enough food, you also get salad and french fries.

I think he said that the single burger was $14, the double burger was $16 and the triple burger was $18.

We ordered 4 double burgers and cokes. (Cause you know the burgers alone weren't unhealthy enough.)

Bakais, Eddy, Twiggy and Beef wait for their burgers

One quick mention about service to redeem my Karma after lashing out at Tutti-Frutti yesterday. When we placed our original order, no one asked me if I wanted anything to drink. When the waiter brought our cokes, he realized his mistake,apologized for forgetting about me and asked me what I wanted. While getting ready to photograph the carnage to come, I had been wistfully looking at a poster for Alexander Keith's, so I had a Keith's Red, leading to Twiggy making "Llakor's a drunk" jokes all night.

My point being that there is nothing wrong with making a mistake as a waiter as long as you correct it - make it right. And as it happened, because the waiter forgot to ask me right away, he asked me at the exact moment when I would order a beer.

But, as Peter David would say, I digress...

Back to the burgers...

HOLY CRAP!

Holy SKYSCRAPER Burger Batman! I think that deserves a closer look...

That Burger is RIDONKULOUS!

The terrifying thing about the burger (aside from its size) is that all the individual components are good in and of themselves. The onion rings are top notch. The chicken strips are excellent. The burgers are good. So it's not just a lot of food, it's a lot of good food.

Still it is a lot of food. You would think that there would be a lot of half-eaten plates...

That Plate is Empty! How Did That Happen?

In addition to a lot of technical discussion about how you fit this much food into your mouth and running commentary about how good the food was, the burgers led to a bit of an eating competition sparked by the insanely competitive Sexxxy Eddy.

But who is the Canadian Indy Wrestling Eating Champion?

Is it Sexxxy Eddy?

Eddy Hitting the Wall

No, Eddy is like the guy in the Marathon who starts out at a sprint, races well ahead, until eventually all of the other runners pass him collapsed on the ground, reflexively humping a cute female volunteer.

Well, if Eddy isn't our champion how about the man who is named after food? Your hero and mine, Beef Wellington?

Ass-Punched by Salad!

I frequently say that wrestler's in-ring persona are just elements of their real personas magnified. Eating contests bring out Heel Beef, Rules Lawyer in full force as Beef argued that the contest was to finish the burger not to clean the plate. "I did not come here to eat salad!"

Nice try Beef. Clean plate beats full plate every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Could our Champion be that most unlikely of underdogs, Twiggy?

Your Runner-Up!

No, but Twiggy was a solid and surprising second.

No, your Canadian Independent Wrestling Eating Champion is a most unlikely hero...

Your Winner: Bakais!

Bakais is a force of nature when it comes to eating. He is relentless. Unlike Eddy who sprinted and faded, Bakais eats at a continuous and relentless pace. It is like he has Pac-Man DNA somewhere in his family tree. Or perhaps the better analogy is that Bakais eats at the same pace that he counts a three-count, steadily and consistently.

*****

According to Best Pizza, they are planning to add these REDONKULOUS Burgers (not their real name) to their menu. As well as an 8 (I think) pound pizza.

I can't help but feel that that is a shame and possibly a mistake. I think there is a neat little ceremony like a secret club involved in learning about the burger from word of mouth, coming in and asking your waiter about this thing that is not on the menu and then waiting while he summons his brother the chef to explain it. I think 90% of the enjoyment in the burger is the ritual of ordering it. I don't think it is anywhere near as much fun to just point to it on a menu.

I would encourage them to put up a nice picture of the burger, maybe put up a hall of fame/shame of pictures of people eating or trying to eat the burger. Maybe eventually a t-shirt. But I would leave it off the menu.

But that is just me.

*****

One other thing of note.

I have been trying to sell sponsorships for wrestling in Montreal for something like 8 years with limited success. Twiggy and I casually mention that we are there for the wrestling show and both brothers were immediately excited about being sponsors.

Yep. apparently I do a better jon of promoting Mark P's promotion than I ever did of promoting the IWS,

I am not sure if that will actually happen, but if you are a C*4 wrestling fan or wrestler, you could do worse than to go to Best Pizza, order some food and encourage them to follow through on becoming sponsors.

*****

One final note.

Some of you may be wondering how I fared with the REDONKULOUS SKYSCRAPER Burger of DOOM!

I didn't.

Are you kidding me?

That thing would put me in the hospital faster than you could say "Holy Insulin Batman!"

No, I had the Vegetarian Calzone.